Muscle Run Review (iPhone)

If you can tolerate Muscle Run for long enough, it does hold some entertainment value – just not in the way that you might expect. For a game that’s about speed and precision, you’ll find yourself unable to achieve either most of the time. It's only once you discover the comical physics of the racer when you’ll breathe a sigh of relief that your money didn’t all go to waste.

Story mode is where you’ll be spending the majority of your time. Split into various stages, each level constitutes a series of challenges as bland as unbuttered bread. Clearing all of these will ‘reward’ you with a final race that, erm, isn’t actually a race but instead an additional list of objectives for you to trudge through in your American muscle car.

Controlling your ride comes down to tilting the device left and right whilst it does the accelerating for you. Holding your finger on the screen will put the car into reverse – important knowledge to have, considering you’ll be using it when you collide with almost every vehicle that comes your way.

If you don’t eventually submit to the awful responsiveness of the controls and ride the hard shoulder, the alternative is to enjoy the unintentional but hilarious sight of giant trucks and saloon cars flying into the air as you swerve into them. Collision detection doesn't fare much better either, being as reliable as National Rail in the middle of winter.

Upgrading the various cars on offer with money earned through races or in-app purchases (which aren't needed) is something you’ll want to do early on to make handling more bearable. The price-to-content ratio is excellent, but that means nothing considering you’ll get bored long before you reach the end of the road.

Version Tested: iOS 5

Amnesia: A Machine For Pigs Review (PC)

Following the success of the original, the Amnesia name is held with such regard that even the bizarrely entitled 'A Machine for Pigs' is enough to send a chill all the way down to your socks.

That subtitle, which has been quite the tease, isn’t as abstract as you may have imagined either. It becomes evident from the beginning there's most certainly an evil-looking machine that's core to all things, and you’ll absolutely encounter the pigs as well. Real, not entirely metaphorical pigs.

It turns out that this contraption has been built as part of some grand vision to recreate humanity itself and, as is often the case with such Darwin-defying notions, things start to get pretty scary, pretty fast. Yet for all its deafening noise, it's never this monstrosity that freaked me out, but rather the people that created it.

For the first hour of AMFP, there's a limit to its horror. A few jumpy moments aside, the scares and tension mostly come from the scraps of backstory being collected. Unlike before, which followed survival horror rules with the huge twist of leaving you unarmed and constantly running from monsters, this felt like an exploration game instead of a true sequel to The Dark Descent. That was before I met the first of the machine’s creations.

Those 'not entirely metaphorical pigs' I mentioned? Well, they’re not entirely pigs either. Hidden away underneath a meat factory, the quest to redefine humankind has demanded certain flesh only such a factory could provide. The end result is part-human and part-beast: absurd creatures that are a lot scarier than they might sound.

After a tame introduction, you’ll find yourself striding with a little too much confidence; your lantern held just a little too high. Then you see it: a huge, ungainly form darting across the opening at the bottom of a staircase. Suddenly your lantern is a hindrance, running feels far too risky, and you crouch in a corner hoping this creature doesn’t get too close. After an hour of 'easy' exploration, you welcome back the real survival horror of Amnesia.

Saints Row 4 Review (Xbox 360, PS3, PC)

My MOTM copy arrived yesterday (to my utmost surprise), and after an hour... I can say it is a bloody fun title. You do feel powerful, as the game gives you a lot from the get-go. Perhaps a little too much, but... that is only a minor niggle.

REALLY like the weaon skins. Could have perhaps done with unlocking them, using some of the zanier ones to reward exploration, but that is just an off-shoot ofthe above point. It is a great litle implementation, only a minor detail, but is very much appreciated - but I can see microtransactions coming in quickly and often for additional skins, a la Gears of War...

The only other niggle I have is the music... you can set in manually at any time (presumably because it is a simulation), rather than silence when walking and random stations in cars, and is a little disconcerting/disconnected.

Very much over the top, in pretty much every respect.

For some reason, not quite feeling as invested as I did in SR3 from the get-go, but I've only just done the tutorial section, and fully expect to get invested once things get underway. (Plus the imminent arrival of GTA V is blowing interest in most other games out of the window).

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DuckTales Remastered Review (Xbox 360, PS3, PC, Wii U)

Just so you don’t feel alone, yes, you’re allowed to scream ‘WOOHOO’ at the top of your lungs every time you read the word ‘Ducktales’ during this review. That’s a good thing too, as I doubt very much you’ll be shouting anything but expletives if you decide to sit down with Remastered.

For individuals who aren’t aware, Capcom’s NES ‘classic’ is a platformer in the oldest, and truest, sense of the word, as Scrooge McDuck pogo sticks his way around the world in search for treasure. While everything you remember is here, what your memory may’ve forgotten is how much of a screw job this is. No one has ever tried to cover up that Ducktales is tough, but few seem to have spoken out against how unfair it can be. For every pin-point jump that does require some skill, there’s the ‘trial and error’ approach, also known as **** *** *** **** game.

Unless you have the ability to see into the future, on numerous occasions Ducktales Remastered will destroy you. There’s no way you could’ve known an enemy was going to pop up on-screen at that exact moment - usually after you’ve taken a huge leap - but next time you’ll use what you’ve learned and can time things more appropriately. The only problem with that, though, is given how tight lives are (if you run out, it’s back to Scrooge’s vault with you), it’s awfully mean-spirited. You’ve been punished for not having super powers.

Nostalgia does play a huge part in why this is somewhat successful - if you were part of that era, the memories that’ll come flooding back make it almost worth the purchase alone. Even then, however, it’s certainly not difficult in a pleasing way unless you’re a sadist. Those who have never sampled its ‘goods’ should probably not bother.

Throw in that the artstyle isn’t as pleasing in motion as it is in stills - it’s nice enough but a little drab, really - and Ducktales Remastered is a nice addition to digital libraries around the world, but definitely not an essential one.

Version tested: Xbox 360.

The Drowning Review (iPhone)

The Drowning’s like buying a Lamborghini to drive around London. Sure, it looks great, but you’ve still gotta’ stop at the lights like everyone else. When you’re moving, you might as well be on a pushbike.

The game’s opening is like a budget Call of Duty: in first-person, you’re beached on a wooden boat. You’re surrounded by impressive environments in a closed environment with ugly character models waiting to be shot. It's all very accessible really - the arcade-style missions, the unintentionally hilarious upgrade screen, the star ratings - but the narrative is oddly po-faced, which doesn’t match the rest of the game’s tone. The end of the world is pretty cheery... but not.

FPS games don’t work very well without a traditional controller, and this is no exception. If the questions is 'how do you solve a problem like virtual thumbsticks?', what The Drowning has come up with isn’t the answer. Navigation is handled by tapping your intended location, and you swipe to look around. Your character weaves around obstacles well enough, but it just feels... wrong. You shoot by tapping the screen with two fingers, the middle point between them being the place the bullet will strike.

Often, you’ll tap two fingers at the screen and one finger will land first, sending you to the opposite end of the arena. I say ‘arena’ because that’s really all there is. There’s no campaign in a traditional sense, just tight maps where you either attack or defend against waves of enemies, collecting points... It’s Angry Birds: Shoot-Gun Edition.

Mostly you’ll be firing bullets into people's heads, running around like a moron and then repeating and it feels like a grind a long time before it needs to. You'll need to grind too, as the later enemies can only be killed with specific, unlockable guns. It’s free, but for a game about water zombies, it’s dry.

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Dishonored: The Brigmore Witches Review (Xbox 360, PS3, PC)

The final chapter of both Dishonored's overall narrative and the assassin Daud's DLC side-story, The Witches of Brigmore is a satisfying – if frustrating – end to one of this generation's most impressive new IPs.

Following directly on from The Knife of Dunwall (transferring your abilities and decisions across as well), Witches is a bigger - if not necessarily better - experience than what came before. As Daud, you'll have to infiltrate the prison Corvo escaped from at the start of the main game, settle a dispute between rival gangs in a turf war played out in an upmarket shopping/textile district, before finally infiltrating a decrepit country estate to eliminate the head of the Witches, attempting to atone for killing the empress as you do so.

All of Dishonored's famed hallmarks are there: a beautiful world, intriguing political game-playing, and highly replayable levels. Sadly, chief failings are also on show - high levels of trial and error, overpowered abilities, and the feeling that your first run-through is sure to be nothing more than a glorified trial.

Some of those problems also afflict other stealth titles - older Hitman games being obvious examples - but they're escalated by the first-person nature of Dishonored. There's also the rather spotty enemy AI to contend with - where and when they can see you seems to change minute-to-minute. Chuck in the fact that they can teleport and respawn and you've got a recipe for frustration - when a witch appears behind you after minutes of sneaking, you'll howl in frustration.

But you'll persevere. Because despite these faults, Dishonored's world is still great (even if these maps aren't top-tier, with too much time spent fetch-questing) and the sheer number of different ways you can approach the missions - and improve your score - makes for compulsive gaming. Story-wise, it's a nice ending to a potentially great new IP. For it to reach those heights, however, it'll have to tighten up its gameplay next time around.

Version Tested: Xbox 360. Played for around 4 hours.

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Killer is Dead Review (Xbox 360, PS3)

All mercenaries need a catchphrase. Upon removing the head of his blood-spattered victims, Mondo Zappa nonchalantly drawls 'Killer is dead.' With one fatal strike, another of the world's most extravagant baddies limply hits the floor, freeing a squeaky damsel in distress from her unlawful abduction. Cue smooth jazz.

Much like Killer7, this is not a game that makes a great deal of sense. Suda51's creative spark remains interesting, distinguished and instantly recognisable, but there's an underlying sense that this was developed on weaker foundations than previous titles.

It's a fractured game, built on episodes that thrust you across a world of psychedelic countries which vaguely mimic the characteristics of their real-world counterparts. It takes inspiration from Lewis Carroll, Tarantino and Ang Lee, offering an ultra-violent romp through 12 episodes and plenty of highly-sexist ‘Gigolo’ side quests to weep at.

Sadly, Suda51 fails to grab his audience's attention with a tale that never feels like it has properly started. It’s a game which, between executing enemies in beautiful surroundings, has you staring at boobs and constantly helping women who are largely shown to be idiotic. The sexism is so powerful, even a caveman would bash his own brains in under the awkwardness.

The game’s stop-start nature is amplified by repetitive swordplay. Mondo is continuously pitted with fighting respawning opponents in tight arenas before tackling a more difficult foe. After this, spew some incomprehensible gibberish and head back to the office with the pretentiousness of a GCSE student trying to sound important.

You'll largely use combinations of X and Y to overcome each threat, and a blood-firing cybernetic arm gun is often called into action, as are gorgeously depicted special moves. But the game's eagerness to ensure you continue using the same methods of attack quickly renders the action boring. Not even a stunning soundtrack can inspire beyond the occasional head nod.

Entertaining in places, Killer is Dead will only appeal to players who enjoyed Suda51’s previous titles, particularly Lollipop Chainsaw. If you’re not convinced by now, this will do nothing to alter that mindset, unless objectifying women is your thing.

Version Tested: Xbox 360. Played for approximately 14 hours on a number of difficulties.

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